A Fanfic Unlike Any Other Fanfic: Deleted Scenes
by V.M. Bell
Summary: A story filled with cunning and deceit, romantic intrigue and heartbreak, and American exchange students. The sequel to "A Fanfic Unlike Any Other Fanfic" and based on many cliches in the fandom, mostly those about OCs.


Presenting… 

A Fanfic, Unlike Any Other Fanfic: The Deleted Scenes

The Things the Authors Didn't Want You To Know About In the Dirtiest Expose Yet

Starring 

Lauren Woolsey as Herself

Amanda Kleintop as Jessica Virginia Darcy and Herself

Malin Hu as Virginia Marianne Bell and Herself

As Well As 

Draco Malfoy

Lucius Malfoy

Narcissa Malfoy

James Potter

Lily Potter

Harry Potter

Cameo Appearances Made By 

John Farragut

Paul

George W. Bush

(and written in dedication of Christmas '04)

**Disclaimer: NO OFFENSE INTENDED AND, ER, NOT PARENT-SAFE!**

…And in the tradition of other stupid, plotless, fluffy, sappy fics (but the authors assure you that this is _not_ one of them – really it isn't!), everyone lives happily ever after….

Or that's what the authors would _like_ to have you think – but the truth was, this journey to "happily ever after" was rockier than implied. Lauren wasn't the _only_ Mary-Sue (unfortunately), though she would like to pretend she was. You see, there were really two _other_ Mary-Sues. Their names were Virginia and Jessica, and this is their story. A story filled with cunning and deceit, romantic intrigue and heartbreak, and American Exchange Students.

Lauren wasn't the only one sucked into a pro-conservative (and really quite crappily written book) that morning. Because that morning, Lauren wasn't the only one in the house. Jessica Virginia Darcy and Virginia Marianne Bell were downstairs eating breakfast while Lauren was idly flipping through the pages of said crappily written book. The two finished their breakfast of English muffins, crumpets, and tea, and ran upstairs to see what Lauren was doing.

They ran into her room to find it utterly empty, no Lauren in sight. They then began to search her abnormally large room and abnormally large closet. As they neared her bookshelf, Virginia noticed a horrid hardcover book: _Conservative Achievements of the Century_. "Ew," she complained, wrinkling her nose. "Who would want to read that? John must've given it to her."

"Of course he did – that smelly, constitution-burning conservative," Jessica said with spite. Picking it up and looking at it closely, she said, "I didn't know Harry Potter was a conservative."

"What?" Virginia pulled the book from Jessica to look at it for herself. Flipping the pages, she said, "And why would Harry Potter mention Lauren under September 16th?"

"Hey!" Jessica exclaimed. "I'd bet you a million dollars that Lauren was sucked into the book, just like your typical stupid, plotless, fluffy, sappy fic!"

"That's bullshit!"

"No, just try it. Let's brush our noses against the paper and see what happens…"

"See, I told you this was just like your typical stupid, plotless, fluffy, sappy fic!" Jessica said, seeing their new surroundings.

"You're a genius!" Virginia squeed.

"Of course I am, you didn't need to tell me _that_."

"And look! We even have robes, only their not very revealing. I think I'll pull this neck down just a _tad_…"

As Virginia adjusted her robes to her liking, Jessica heard the footfalls of someone near the end of the corridor, followed by a sharp intake of breath. The figure now standing in front of them was tall, graceful, and his platinum blonde hair glistened in the light of the floating candles. As Jessica sized him up, she noticed his gorgeous Gucci leather pants.

"Oh my gosh! You're Draco Malfoy! In _leather pants_!" Jessica began to jump up and down.

"Hey, sexy," Virginia purred, pulling her robes down farther as she walked towards him.

Draco's eyes glazed over; he'd never seen such beautiful women in his life – and he told them so.

"I've never seen such beautiful women in my life."

"Why thank you. But I can get prettier if you want," Virginia said as she began to unfasten her robes.

"Save that for the bedroom, sweetie. Now, I need to know the names of the two prettiest women on earth so I brag about how I did them."

"I'm Jessica, the _intelligent_ Mary Sue." Jessica blushed and smiled shyly.

"And I'm Virginia, the _slutty_ Mary Sue," Virginia told Draco, pursing her lips and playing with the neck of her robes.

"Very nice to meet you, ladies. I'm assuming you're a couple of those American exchange students Dumbledore was telling everyone about," Draco said, looking handsomely bored.

"In fact, we are, " Jessica said, going with what seemed to be the plot (or lack thereof). "Is anyone else here?" she questioned curiously.

"I've heard of one other – her name's Lauren." Virginia and Jessica exchanged glances. "But, although she's very pretty and Mary Sue like, I'm afraid that she's already seduced Potter, otherwise known as Potty," Draco ended with venom.

"Of course, she probably has all the other guys at her beck and call," Jessica said sarcastically.

"Of course, she is your typical Mary Sue, after all," Draco responded.

"Just like _us_," Virginia said playfully.

"Does that mean you'll have a threesome with me?" Draco asked excitedly.

"Maybe…if you promise to be a good boy," Virginia continued flirting.

"I can do that," Draco said, winking. "But, in the meantime, how about I escort you to the Great Hall, where I was just about to have a late breakfast, more like a brunch, if you will."

"Aren't you supposed to be in class?" Jessica asked, almost scolding him.

"And aren't you?" Draco demanded. "Though I think your scolding is quite sexy," he added.

"Why, thank you."

They walked to the Great Hall, which was otherwise empty – or so they thought.

"Jessi? Virginia? What are _you_ doing here?" Lauren shrieked as she entered the Great Hall. The candles around her burst into flame in the presence of her beauty.

"We followed you into the book," Jessica said. "After all, I _am_ the smart Mary Sue."

"Yeah, and I just followed her," Virginia said, continuing to play with the neck of her robes.

Draco, who was until now focused on his crumpets, sneered at the bespectacled boy (who was undoubtedly Harry Potter) and Lauren. "Always the conspicuous ones, aren't we?"

"Oh, we're not conspicuous. We're just in _love_," said Lauren, batting her eyelashes with a dreamy look on her face.

"That's wonderful, but see, I have two loves with me already," Draco yawned. "Here are the incomparable Jessi and Virginia."

"You can call me Ginny, if you'd like," Virginia simpered while pulling down the neck of her robes – yes, further.

"Sorry, but it's not working," Harry said, shaking his head. "I've already been seduced."

Lauren planted a kiss on his cheek. "That's right, Harry, and don't you forget it."

"Of course I won't. You are my love and my goddess, the center of my star-speckled universe that you know everything about," he replied, almost mechanically.

"Good boy. Maybe I'll give you a treat when we get back to your room."

"Speaking of which…" Virginia began, moving closer to Draco.

"Yeah, we'll get there," Draco assured her.

"But – but, Draco!" Jessica whimpered. "What about me? Don't you find my intelligence sexy?"

"Hey, I did promise you the threesome and some Draco goodness here!" he protested, gesturing at his leather pants.

"That's morally wrong!" Lauren cried, shocked. "At least _I_ can manage a healthy relationship with just _one_ person."

"Double the girls, double the fun." Draco smirked.

Lauren rolled her eyes. "Harry, let's go. I can't stand to watch this debacle any longer."

"Yes, my love," Harry droned, placing a hand around her waist as they walked out of the Great Hall.

Only a day before the students of Hogwarts left for Christmas break, Jessica and Virginia were in Draco's room, where they had taken up residence for the past three months.

"Hey, girls," Draco called out, buckling up his fifteenth pair of Gucci leather pants.

"Yes, Draco?" Jessica and Virginia said back, sitting on his bed (but the authors assure you that they were fully clothed – really, they were, Virginia included!).

"Why don't you girls come to the Manor with me for Christmas, seeing as your families are back in their alternative universe."

"Well, we were thinking of spending some time with Lauren," Jessica mused thoughtfully.

Draco raised an eyebrow and winked. "But I can show you a real good time back at the Manor."

Virginia had a blank look on her face. "Screw Lauren. Let's go!"

"Well, not literally," Jessica muttered as they left the room.

The Malfoy Manor was the most imposing structure that Virginia and Jessica had ever laid their eyes on. Surrounded by lush emerald rolling hills (never mind that it was the middle of winter), it was a grand home with white columns and unparalleled stone masonry. They soon found out that the inside was just as grand as the outside. Its walls were covered in priceless paintings with Pureblood wizards of every kind, but most of them were of the ancient and most noble Malfoy clan.

"So this is the library. Father's collected so many things over the years," Draco said, gesturing to the towering two-story bookshelves as tears flowed down Jessica's face. "Aw, love, what's wrong?" he said, suddenly sensitive.

"The books…just – so many – books!"

Virginia then shouted from the other side of the room, "Yes! Book! Look at this book!" In her right hand was a small red volume.

"Ooh," Draco exclaimed, clapping his hands together, "I never knew Father was such a kinky bloke. That could help us in our adventures and _explorations_."

Now, the reader might have deduced that little red book was the one from Communist China, a.k.a. Mao's Stuff to Say. However, if the reader is as smart as the _intelligent _Mary Sue, Jessica, the reader would have figured out that it was not a relic from Communist China but a collection of pleasurable "positions."

A dark tall form stood in the shadowed doorway of the library. "Draco, who is this you have here?"

"Just a few gorgeous Mary Sues from school."

"Ooh, who _is_ this here?" Virginia purred, her finger beginning to travel to her already impossibly low neckline.

"My father," Draco said, bored.

"Age makes no difference," Virginia announced.

"Glad to hear that," Draco's father drawled. "My name's Lucius."

"Oh, Lucius – you sexy thing."

"Is that my little red book over there, Draco? Why don't you give it to me? I'm sure your gorgeous friend here and I can peruse through it ourselves and perhaps put it into practice."

"Yes, indeed!" Virginia said as she walked up to him. "I'm Virginia, by the way. Just thought you should know my name before you do me."

Lucius Malfoy looked a lot like his son, only age had done nothing to mar his perfect features…only – Virginia didn't know. There was that _je ne se quois _about him, and she wasn't sure if it was the long blond hair, or the piercing gray eyes, or maybe that pimp cane you only find in other stupid, plotless, fluffy, sappy fics.

"Shall we go upstairs then?" Lucius inquired.

"Did you have to ask?" Virginia huffed, all but ready to take off her clothes right there in the library.

Their footsteps echoed into the hallway as they left, hand in hand, leaving Draco and Jessica alone. "I knew that would happen." Draco rolled his eyes. "Father just can't appreciate intelligence as I do."

His silver eyes, so much like his father's (but better, in Jessica's opinion), bored into her brown ones of unfathomable depth. With that, they were lost in bliss….

After an hour or so, Draco stood in the library, buckling his sixteenth pair of Gucci leather pants as Jessica wrapped a conjured blanket around herself. "Do you think it's different without Virginia?"

"Yes," he replied after a moment's thought. "It's better."

"It is indeed," Jessica said as a loud bang suddenly echoed through the library.

Draco and Jessica weren't the only ones to hear the intrusion.

"What was that?" Virginia yelled, startled from her shared bliss with Lucius.

"Who cares?" Lucius cast it aside, shutting her up with a kiss. "Now let's get back to what we were doing."

"Is that Lucius?" asked a tall man with messy black hair and crooked glasses, squinting. "I never knew he wore leather pants," he commented.

"That's not Lucius, James," a woman with long red hair and bright green eyes said. "It must be one of his numerous offspring."

"I'm an only child, thank you very much," Draco sniffed, crossing his arms irritably.

"You just think that," the as-of-yet unnamed woman said. "You clearly didn't know your father in his Hogwarts days. Heck, he even hit on me once, and rather forcefully, I might add. Besides, I never cared much for your father, it always your-"

The library doors slammed open with such a force that dust fell from the ceiling. "Lily! You came back to me!"

Lily Potter fell to her knees, blinded by rapture. "Narcissa? Is that – _you_?"

"Yes, Lily!" Narcissa ran to her, pulled her up, and kissed her with a passion that Draco had never seen between her and his father. "I thought you were dead," she whispered.

"Well, I was, but, you know, we played around with life and death and that time travel thing."

Jessica interrupted, "Wait, does that make you…_James Potter_?" She pointed to the man with black hair.

He nodded in reply. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason," she said coyly. "But, just to reassure you, when your wife leaves you because she's a lesbian, I'll be here for you."

"Jessi!" Draco nudged her.

"What? Can I help it if I see a sexy man?"

"I thought I was sexy," Draco moaned.

"Well, you are, but – " She lowered her voice. "This is _James Potter_."

The next night, all seven were sitting down to dinner as Narcissa had stopped Lucius's attempt to murder the Potters for the second time in their lives. Although the atmosphere was a bit "tense," they managed to have a "fairly" uneventful meal. Well, until…

"So," Narcissa began, trying to fulfill her role as hostess by attempting to start any conversation, "uh, Lucius, did you have, er, fun last night?"

"Narcissa, I must confess. I – I – must _tell_ you something."

"No, Lucius, I know what you're going to say, and I can deal with it because I never confessed to you my love. My love? It was not you. It was Lily. All those years ago before the Dark Lord killed her. But now that I have her back, I can't give her up again!"

With this Lily jumped out of her seat. "James, I'm a – a – _lesbian_!"

"Well, I knew that," he stated blankly.

"How?" Lily asked.

"You never were that great in bed."

"Yeah, same with Narcissa!" Lucius interrupted. "No wonder she was never good in bed. I was beginning to think it was me."

"Of course it wasn't you," Virginia murmured. "You're _amazing_."

"Well, this is great conversation," Draco said, turning to Jessica.

But Jessica wasn't looking at him because she was now staring at the gorgeous (and now single) James Potter.

With only one day left of Christmas break, Lily and Narcissa had their bags packed for the one place they knew they'd be welcomed: Massachusetts.

"Of all places, why do you want to go to America?" Lucius ranted, waving his pimp cane wildly. "America, for God's sake! They dump some tea in a harbor and call it a revolution!" (One author protests this statement.)

"But – it's Gay Land!" Lily explained. "Narcissa and I will be very happy there with our marriage license. We would have moved to San Francisco, but they have a bodybuilder as their governor."

"What about your marriage bonds and stuff?" Virginia cut across, placing her arms lovingly around Lucius's shoulders. "Being gay is one thing – but _bigamy_…"

"Once I kissed another person, the bonds were all broken," Lucius told her after kissing her on the cheek.

"Won't you two make such a cute couple?" Narcissa squealed. She then turned to Virginia. "You know, I've never seen him out of his dark and angsty moods. This might be good for him."

"As long as it translates to being good in bed. Wait – good _and_ bad," Virginia added suggestively.

Meanwhile, in the dining room next door, Draco and James were fighting over their precious "Jessi."

"I was snogged by Jessi last night," James bragged. "And you-"

"Got laid," Draco said, pointing a finger.

"But…I thought Jessi was _mine_!" James said, distraught.

"Of course I'm yours, Jamie," Jessica simpered. "But Draco's my play toy. And a smart girl always has a backup," she explained matter-of-factly.

"_What_?" Draco yelped. "A backup? I'm insulted! I will not stand to be your second string. This is the end of us, Jessi!"

"Okay," she said calmly, exchanging loving glances with James.

"Fine! I'm going with Mummy and Step-mummy to Massachusetts," Draco announced, stomping out of the room.

"Great!" James said. "This means I have you all to myself."

"Wanna start now?" Jessica asked suggestively.

"As long as the table doesn't hurt your back."

Back at Hogwarts, nothing had changed. Lauren had spent almost the entire break in Harry's room, though she would never admit it in her goody-two-shoes way. On the other hand, Virginia and Jessica's love lives had been shaken up, broken, and rebuilt from the ground, just like in your typical stupid, plotless, fluffy, sappy fic. But they were happy in the end, and Lucius and James were able to sneak onto the Hogwarts grounds just enough to keep them (and themselves) satisfied, as they were now bonded by the Muggle equivalent of marriage.

"So, how were your breaks?" Lauren asked them smugly on their first day back.

"We got married!" Virginia said, jumping up and down.

"Well, that's not the technical term," Jessica lectured, exasperated.

"Oh, who cares? As long as it's legal."

"Who did you get married to?" Lauren asked, now shocked. "I thought you _both _were with Draco."

"Well, we were, but to make a long story short, I'm with James Potter and she's with Lucius Malfoy," Jessica explained.

"Wait. My _father_?" Harry gasped. "But – he's dead!"

"Yeah, but he and your mother played around with some time traveling and ended up here. James is now with me, of course, but Lily went to Massachusetts with Narcissa, who she apparently had an affair with before she and your father were even married."

"My mom's a lesbian?"

"Well," Jessica began, uncomfortable, "yeah. And Draco's in Massachusetts as well. We've kept in touch, and he writes that his seductions of other American girls are going quite well. Also, he tells me that your mother and Narcissa are two of the most prominent lesbian radical feminists in the United States, and maybe even the world!" Jessica took a deep breath.

"I knew that woman was wacked up," Harry swore.

"Now, don't be mean," Lauren warned him. "She is your mother, after all."

"Yes, Lauren, O Glorious One."

"I see you've been working on him," Virginia remarked, gesturing to Harry.

"Yes, it seems to be going quite well, my training program and all," Lauren said offhandedly. "I based it off of Bush's. You know, you tell the people about how someone betrayed them, then you go off and fight someone – Voldemort, not Osama, in this case – and then you have them – _seduced_!"

"Oh, now that you mention it, have you heard of the strange thing that happened with the president?" Jessica ventured, sounding as well-informed as usual.

"No, current events are _so_ boring," Virginia sighed, playing, again, with the neck of her robes.

"I wasn't asking you. See, Lily and Narcissa…they kind of, sort of, transfigured him – I mean, Bush – into a bird."

"Wow, he had it coming," Lauren laughed, "especially since he was a pilot during his supposedly existent stint in the Texas National Guard."

"Can you imagine Bush as a bird?" Virginia asked excitedly. She put on a falsetto voice: "Hey, an airplane! Like, omigod, does it, like, fly, like, just like, like, _me_?"

"And into the engine he flies," Jessica finished with a flourish.

"Hey, what's that?" Virginia pointed at something on the other side of the room. "Is that a – a vortex?"

"Like in your stupid, plotless, fluffy, sappy fic?" Lauren added.

"And I bet it'll take us back to our world," Jessica sniffed in her all-knowing voice.

"It will _so_ not." Virginia rolled her eyes. "I mean, the authors have to be pretty stupid to write something like that."

"Or maybe they're just making fun of stupid, plotless, fluffy, sappy fics…."

Lauren bolted awake. All was still in her house. "Amanda! Malin! Wake-up!"

Amanda tossed around in her sleeping back. "Lauren," she threatened, "_never, ever_ wake me up when I am dreaming about James Potter – _again_!"

"You had that dream too?" Malin asked, half-dazed. "Was I married to Lucius?"

"God knows why you were," Amanda said. "He's not that gorgeous."

"Yes, he is!" Malin insisted, punching her pillow. "He is, he is, he is! He is _god_."

"Okay. And I seduced Harry, right?" Lauren said, rubbing her face tiredly.

"Yeah, Lauren, I never knew you could be so conniving," Amanda said.

"What? Me? Conniving? Never! You know I'm too good for that, right?"

"And you – I never knew you were so intelligent," Malin yawned, falling onto her pillow.

"And what about _your _alter ego?" Amanda accused.

"Well, humanity's full of contradiction," Malin reasoned, philosophical again.

"Nice to see you talking sense instead of trying to strip in the middle of the Great Hall," Lauren joked, lightly punching her friend on her shoulder.

"I have a question, Lauren," Amanda said, changing the subject slightly. "Did John actually give you that book?"

Lauren rolled her eyes. "Yes. That's why I'm with Paul now."

(The authors now beg that the reader not strangle/kill them right now.)

"Figures," Malin sighed. "I called John an asshole today in Spanish because he kept on talking about how great the O'Reilly Factor was."

(The authors now beg the reader to believe that this is true – which it is!)

"That Republican," Amanda swore. "I think we should go now. Our parents are going to be here soon."

"We'll miss you, Lauren!" Malin said, speaking for the two departing friends.

Dearest Lauren,

Well, we got together to write the insanity just for you, after starting it on the phone in October (much like On The Rebound, which we're sure you remember!). First thing you should know is: not all of the ridiculous comments are ours. Following is a list of credits….

John Farragut, for being a smelly, constitution-burning conservative!

All the other stupid, plotless, fluffy, sappy fanfics that have influenced and inspired us so much

Mr. Hood for showing us that it is harder to write something terrible than great

You can be the intelligent Sue, I Malin can be the slutty Sue, and Lauren can be the good-two-shoes Sue (from the phone conversation that started this)

The little red book from the movie "Shanghai Knights". (Yes, Amanda did actually see that. Oh – third person! Fun!)

Massachusetts, for being the most liberal state (!)

"I was snogged by Jessi last night," James bragged. "And you-" "Got laid," Draco said, pointing a finger. (This came from a conversation about a story in Amanda's English class – Malin's English class is too stupid to think up something as brilliant as that – as Mr. Perlman said, "He's saying, you got kissed, and _I_…" "Got laid," said Charlie McNoughton.)

Bird!Bush (from an IM conversation between the two of us, beginning with Amanda saying that Bush is too stupid to fly solo…you can imagine how we got to this point….)

J.K. Rowling, who made up the whole thing in the first place!

Okay, maybe you get the gist of it now!

Happy Holidays, because we're nice and secular, and we miss you! Come back!

Love ya mucho,

Amanda and Malin, Us Inc.


End file.
